trigger warning and all for, idk, description of ocd rituals. it would trigger me is what i’m saying.

reload reload reload

click click click

f5 f5 f5 

i finally figured out a big part of why blogging makes me unhappy sometimes. why it’s so heavily associated with a rise in my trichotillomania

it’s not just my anxiety

this checking, over and over and over again, to make sure of something, to make sure i’m “safe” on the internet for the night

it’s like checking, over and over again, that the coffeestovetoasterwhatever is not still on, turning around halfway down the mountain to go make sure just one last time

it’s ocd. intrusive thoughts and compulsive checking

and that’s why it makes me feel weird, sick to my stomach, unable to concentrate on my paying work

—

writing that was not a pain, it was a relief. as with always, when i know it’s ocd, when i have that moment where i know it’s my disability, when i know i can work on it and live with it and manage it, the pressure comes off, just a little.