![[Image: The tumblr message link, with one message in it.]
So, I had a dream about the message that has been stuck in my tumblr for a couple months last night. It was a different message, but still.
In addition to this, my insecurities about my activity on tumblr - about people not liking/reblogging my posts with original writing, or not following me, or not answering my well-intentioned asks, or whatever ultimately trivial stuff that makes me obsessively refresh my tumblog - is growing.
It’s not healthy, probably. I haven’t had social anxiety symptoms since high school, but here they are again, making me think “what does x REALLY think of me? does x like me? am I friends with x?” when x equals person I like on tumblr. And worrying about an individual person’s opinion of me is how I try not to roll anymore. Because I learned years ago that constantly seeking external validation only leads to self-neglect, devaluation, and self-hatred.
The internet has certainly provoked major anxiety episodes before, being that I have an anxiety disorder and have been on the Internet since prior to the turn of the century (I love referring to 11 years ago as “the turn of the century). But it wasn’t rooted in a fear that nobody likes me (everybody hates me, I’m going to go eat worms). It was about a variety of other things, usually guilt over hurting people and distress over not living up to my own professional, rhetorical, and personal expectations (not specific to blogging or feminism).
But usually? Those are about me fucking something up. Not a vague, misplaced worry about what some person thinks of me. Even if I like people, I could usually give a shit about what most people think of me. I am who I am, I do my best, and sometimes I don’t. Other people’s views and thoughts on what I do are worth consideration, of course, and I listen to those thoughts. But usually, the value I place in myself is based on myself, not other people - and that is good, and it helps me to persevere and work on my flaws when they inevitably trip me up.
In my six or so years on social networks and two years in blogging, I’ve never felt that long-dormant anxious need for approval rise up and impact my functioning, until the last week or so. So, I suppose, I must work on that.
edited because i apparently can’t put self-obsessed blatherings behind cut](http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgf9kqgb4w1qac7jco1_250.jpg)
[Image: The tumblr message link, with one message in it.]
So, I had a dream about the message that has been stuck in my tumblr for a couple months last night. It was a different message, but still.
In addition to this, my insecurities about my activity on tumblr - about people not liking/reblogging my posts with original writing, or not following me, or not answering my well-intentioned asks, or whatever ultimately trivial stuff that makes me obsessively refresh my tumblog - is growing.
It’s not healthy, probably. I haven’t had social anxiety symptoms since high school, but here they are again, making me think “what does x REALLY think of me? does x like me? am I friends with x?” when x equals person I like on tumblr. And worrying about an individual person’s opinion of me is how I try not to roll anymore. Because I learned years ago that constantly seeking external validation only leads to self-neglect, devaluation, and self-hatred.
The internet has certainly provoked major anxiety episodes before, being that I have an anxiety disorder and have been on the Internet since prior to the turn of the century (I love referring to 11 years ago as “the turn of the century). But it wasn’t rooted in a fear that nobody likes me (everybody hates me, I’m going to go eat worms). It was about a variety of other things, usually guilt over hurting people and distress over not living up to my own professional, rhetorical, and personal expectations (not specific to blogging or feminism).
But usually? Those are about me fucking something up. Not a vague, misplaced worry about what some person thinks of me. Even if I like people, I could usually give a shit about what most people think of me. I am who I am, I do my best, and sometimes I don’t. Other people’s views and thoughts on what I do are worth consideration, of course, and I listen to those thoughts. But usually, the value I place in myself is based on myself, not other people - and that is good, and it helps me to persevere and work on my flaws when they inevitably trip me up.
In my six or so years on social networks and two years in blogging, I’ve never felt that long-dormant anxious need for approval rise up and impact my functioning, until the last week or so. So, I suppose, I must work on that.
edited because i apparently can’t put self-obsessed blatherings behind cut
