emphasis pronoun

Yesterday I fucked up big-time.

I identified Helen G of bird of paradox as a cis woman with a long history of appropriating trans experiences, both in this space and at my main blog. This is an act of erasure and verbal violence against a trans woman who does not need to be shit over any more. It places me on the level of  many others that I have hypocritically taken to task for their crimes against trans women - even worse.

It could have been easily avoided, but I was not careful enough in my writing and reporting. It continues the cis feminist tradition of centering cis women in discussion of trans issues, and appropriating and erasing the work and words of trans women without credit or thought.

I furthered this hateful act by not taking my hurtful actions seriously enough and immediately apologizing and taking responsibility. I did not realize how grave my mistake was until I read her post this morning. Clearly, I am not qualified to be writing about trans women if I am capable of such violence and callousness.

I apologize without reservations to Helen G and any and all others who were hurt by this unforgivable and appropriative act. I have a lot of learning and listening to do, so per her request, I will be silent on trans issues for a while.

Thanks and apologies also to Kinsey, who helped me to understand and work through this in a way that stole her spoons. She’s a good friend, and deserves better.

Here is the link to Helen’s explanation of why my actions were so harmful.

sadydoyle:

You know, if you enjoy being mean on the Internet sometimes — and I sure do! — it’s important to have a rigorous ethical code, concerning your targets. If you pick on folks who are too low-profile, too inexperienced, too ill-equipped to defend themselves, or simply too clueless, you run the risk of becoming a bully. And nobody wants to be a bully. But how do we decide that it’s okay to pick on someone? How do we avoid aiming rocket launchers at squirrels? Or some other metaphor for inappropriate-force-applied-to-unworthy-or-undeserving-target-ish-stuff? How do we, in other words, define “fair game?”

2. Be well read - Twilight and Harry Potter are not the kind of literature guys will want to discuss over dinner.  Check out books by C.S. Lewis, Stephen Covey, Ralph Waldo Emerson, John Gray, Seth Godin, Ayn Rand, or Chuck Palahniuk.  Yes, guys that read books by these authors will probably be the ones that in five years won’t be swilling beer on the couch watching football with their buddies all day sunday while you ‘tend to the kids’ or are cleaning all day.

That’s how.

OH MY GOD THIS WHOLE THING IS PATRIARCHAL GOLD. This dude, whoever he is, is SO INVESTED in the idea that women live to meet the confounding standards of the male gaze.

Some of my favorite other lines:

Yes, guys will look at your (tight) pants with “love, cute, diva, pink, and sweet”, but few will think it is “cute” or view you as a “diva”.  Seriously.

Every day when I get dressed, I wonder, “how can I best make [fella] think I am a ‘diva’? These pajama pants with clouds on them that I have had for a decade will surely do the trick!”

Also, eliminate saying ‘like’ in front of words.  People aren’t ‘like’ going somewhere, and they aren’t ‘like’ mad.  They are simply ‘going’ somewhere or ‘mad’.

Like, whatever.

When guys see pictures of girls with that drunk baby oil sheen on their faces, they don’t see ‘future wife’, they see easy.

Because what I really want is for some guy I barely know is to look at me and IMMEDIATELY “imprint” on me (as the kids might say).

Good guys (read that again) don’t expect a size 2 (NO, they don’t) but in a battle between two women that use my previous nine suggestions, the skinnier one will probably win.  Guys have the same battle but its with the size of our wallets, so don’t think it is one sided.

Most fat women (read that again) are not idealized in pop culture (NO, they’re not), but in doing battle with a skinnier woman who equally adheres to arbitrary standards, the one with the better left hook/bazooka/biting wit will probably win.

And I’ll just note, before Dad-isms decides that I’m just bitter and too lazy to get a good guy, that my fat ass has had a lovely fella for years. While biting my nails, yelling about Harry Potter, living in sweatpants, and putting tons of drunk pictures of myself up on Facebook all the way.

paisleypaisley:

…does anyone know of some good Fatshion blogs to follow? Because I very much enjoy seeing clothes that, you know, I could possibly wear.

(And, yes, I will hunt around on my own, just if one of you knows something off the top of your head, that would be cool. Thanks.)

My favorite favorite favorite is Definatalie.com. LOVE HER, gorgeous art and a gorgeous woman.

I also love fatshionable.com, which has terrific photography and a STUNNING lady at the helm.

asezawesome:

I just saw a new (to me, anyway) acronym that I need to incorporate into my life. That I will incorporate into my life because I love it. A lot.

QUILTBAG

Q = Queer/Questioning
U = Undecided
I = Intersex
L = Lesbian
T = Trans*
B = Bisexual
A = Asexual
G = Gay/Genderqueer

I instantly loved this one for two reasons. First, it’s a pronounceable but unfamiliar word, so you can just say it, but it’ll still make people stop and say “What?” and provide a teachable moment. Second, it takes the focus off of the G who have had the bulk of the political power and the bulk of the visibility and have been calling the shots in the community for far too long. Third, it nicely incorporates people who consider themselves part of the queer community who were not at all addressed by “LGBT” alone, which is only very rarely padded out with the other initials. Fourth, the “bag” provides a certain imagery: we’re all in this together. No more leaving our trans* friends and families out in the cold. No more deriding asexuality as some sort of phase or medical problem rather than a variant sexuality that deserves as much respect as any other.

Quiltbag. Yeah. I dig it. Jump in the bag.

Hat tip to Eumelia for bringing this awesomeness to my attention.

I just found this, so I thought I’d trace it back to the OP. Love it.

If someone knows who coined it (as it doesn’t seem to be A), let me know!

chelle-shock:

shiyiya:

staticnonsense:

emilyswash:

i say “y’all” a lot because i used to say “guys” a lot. like, a lot a lot SO MUCH A LOT. buuut i think that saying “guys” is bad news bears because it’s reinforcing men as the default gender? you get looked at super-strangely if you run up to a group of mixed gender and go “HAAAY LADIES” but no-one would bat an eye if you said “HAAAY GUYS” to the same group. at the same time, “guys” is still used to refer only to men. so i decided to stop.

this definitely isn’t something i’d EVER call anyone else out on, because i think it’s sort of a minor issue, but i’m really not comfortable saying it myself any more.

the only other short thing (as in not “ladies, gents, in-betweens, others, etc.!”) i can think of is “folks”, and one of my life-ruining teachers said “folks” all of the time and now whenever i try to say “folks” i throw up green sludge and my eyes bleed pig’s blood and strange latin phrases start to bubble up in boils on my limbs. so. “y’all” it is!

ask me anything, lovelies.

 GET OUT OF MY HEAD AAAAAH

But seriously, I do the same thing. Though I do use folk/folks too.

This is why I say y’all, too! It felt really weird and unnatural at first but not anymore.

Yup, and aside from gender stuff, I find “y’all” preferable to alternatives for addressing a group - I just don’t think “you guys” sounds as good. And “you folks” doesn’t either (to me, this is one of my quirks haha). 

ALSO I will admit part of it is that I’ve consistently run into people who think that saying “y’all” makes you some sort of stereotype of classist origins and/or really stupid, so I make myself giggle at proving them wrong. 

Y’all was the first change I made to my language upon moving to the South 6 years ago. At the time, I just liked it because it’s the only contraction we have for the plural second person in our language, but it has proved quite handy for the reasons listed above.